I have to say that I genuinely hate the person I have become. I hate that I have spent so much of my life wasting precious hours on people who really don't careabout me and are self serving (I'm still doing that unfortunately but that's another story). I hate that I am finally sorting out my education and career aims well past my working prime and I hate that because of said people above mentioned, I have finally become the cynical and unfeeling old bastard I knew I would have to be to survive one of my goddamn relationships. It has sucked me dry - I have no drive or enthusiasm or zest for anything.
Oh and I hate the fact I have let my family down - shall never be married (been that and divorced) and shall never have children because I only have a few years left to try that and have no stable relationship or financial security whatsoever.
One person has finally solidified all those things for me at the moment (as mentioned above). It's the person who should be there with me, spurning me on, enthusing me, the person I should be getting dressed up for and shagging like a mental thing because he's so much younger than I am and has his whole life ahead of him. Yes it's my boyfriend, but I am in no doubt that he is only with me for the split rent and bill payments, the roof over his head and that it means he does not have to commit to any household chores and has proper home cooked food on the table every day. I used to worry about this, the lack of interest, the complete and utter lack of any sex whatsoever, the fact that he's always on the look out for another to replace me (currently his work colleague who he already professed his love for though I am not sure she is as interested as he).
Unfortunately, perhaps, it's been so long since this abuse began (I forget how long now) that I've come to tolerate it for what I can get from it (split rent and bill payments, a roof over my head). The other things are the ammo that will keep him here just long enough for me to become independant again and then I can finally call it quits. After all, he won't go until he can replace me in all these things and he's not going to find it with someone his own age. Financially (and that is the only reason) we are both tied to each other. I am at University. I have an income of £416 per month thanks to Student Finance and I have outgoings of £416 per month so I am living literally hand to mouth (only 14 months to go :/ ) and when you've been earning upwards of £24,000 that's a hell of a sacrifice. I must love what I do. Perhaps I do have a passion then?
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