A short note - it's like meeting your ex's new partner....

Yesterday I worked at the b/fs place of employment and you know who was there. Not the current you know who, but the previous you know who. It was weird because if I hadn't known what I knew, I would never have suspected anything may or may not have happened. Although when I read back their conversation, it certainly appears that she was not the interested party. Perhaps one day I shall post that script here and let you decide for yourself.

Anyway, it was weird. I was armed and ready to blank her, but she was just so, well, ordinary and nice in an average oh hi again sort of a way. And we get on well. And I thought it was weird, almost incestuous, and then I see b/f over the otherside of the room and I think - you fuckwit.

I just needed to share that.....

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Today at break I took a call from a friend of mine. She's got herself into a bit of a tiz over a chap she's been 'seeing' over the internet. He is a noted philandarer, a good looking successful business man with a dowdy wife at home. He is a serial womaniser. My friend is married, house, car, two kids - you know the rest. She is quite young to have all these things and certainly hasn't had it easy over the years, but being young, and with a husband of a slightly older generation, has got terribly bored. Now whether she has discovered this boredom since meeting this chap I cannot say, but he has stirred something within her. She says she knows there is no future in it and it's wrong 'but I just want to fuck him!' She called me in a state to say she had finally agreed to meet him this evening for you know what.

And though she really really wants this guy, she doesn't think that she can cope with the fall out afterwards. The deceit, the lies, having to look her husband in the eye and be the dutiful wife. She does after all still love her husband and in many respects should consider herself rather lucky. And her husband is the sort of man who would probably kill her if she was fooling around.  Nice enough chap, but he doesn't mess around.

As she was in such a quandry over the matter I told her not to do it. Don't do it unless you are absolutely sure you can cope with what will come after. Because even if he never finds out, you have to answer to yourself. If you're sure about it and the meeting means more than  the after effects, then go for it.

The problem is I am very non judgmental. There was a time many years ago when I would have told her to go and get her head examined. But as a divorcee of 3 years for the same reasons (the older boring husband bit) I can kind of relate to the stagnation of her situation. I met my present partner as my marriage fell apart. My husband, twice my age, had lapsed into middle age. It was like living with your father and I was still comparitively young. And it become a suffocating and damaging situation for all concerned. We just grew apart.

So when I met my parter, 12 years my junior, like a young stag on heat - just wanted to shag all the time and it was ME he wanted to shag, I felt that same flutter that my friend is currently experiencing. That flutter when you find a new love and you get knots in your stomach and they are ALL you can think of all the time.

I have now been with my partner for 3 years. And for most of that - well let's just say - if he'd had an offer he would have taken it. He has declared his love interests openly to at least two of his hoped for new partners since we have been together and had his eye on oh so many more. Currently he has two on the go although I think that one has expressed a non-interest which is why he suddenly struck up a relationship with the second. The other he is currently stalking with occasional meets and intelligent Facebook chat. I have come to believe that this is my punishment for dumping my husband like I did and it serves me right. I accept because fate will eventually come around and bite you in the arse.

What it also gives me, is license to do what my friend may be about to embark on, and do it without any feeling of remorse. Let's just say that me and my partner have a non-conscious open relationship. It's just that, I haven't actually found anyone with which to enjoy these extra curricular activities. Which is even more saddening.

Like my friend I am also quite bored of my situation. Every day is another day of Uni. Though I stress I am not complaining, I worked hard to get here but it is relentless and not punctuated by meals out, nights out on the razz, holidays or unbelievably fabulous sex) but the boring relationship (I can't remember the last time I actually experienced any sort of sexual encounter with my partner) and the drudgery of cooking meals and housework (the only things that bind him to me) have become rather 'samey' to say the least. My only mental let up at the moment is sunny spring days. Seriously, standing in my garden on a warm sunny day is absolute bliss. They are at present few and far between. And I have 14 months to go.

So I am still waiting for my knight in shining armour to come (quite literally) and give me something else to fill my days. I don't have any prospective candidates for this at the moment, but knowing fate as well as I do (we're cousins did you know?), I have a hunch that when the time and the place are right, he shall appear. If he doesn't, then I know I am supposed to remain a childless old divorcee - one of those strange old ladies that lives in the house noone ever visits and has about 50 cats living with her.

Watch this space, perhaps there is a shagathon out there for me somewhere.....

Amen.....

Today's 'blah', summer jobs, should you really analyze everything and walking away from temptation

For my third year I am writing a dissertation on the psychology of retail shopping. I have always been interested in how retailers get you to buy their products, particularly when impulse buying is such a phenomenen these days. I didn't realise just how much was involved although I did understand the whole product placement and shop lay out theory.

Just enjoying the act of shopping, browsing the sales rails for that self indulgent impulse treat rather loses its lustre when you're constantly thinking 'now the shop really wants me to take this off their hands, but do I REALLY need it?'

I have issues with this. Every purchase is a 'can I live without it' moment and yes folks that does go for my vintage tendancies too.I am a shop owners nightmare. I can browse all day and not spend a penny. Inevitably I usually walk away but when I do purchase I rarely get a complex about it because I've thought about it for so long I know it's right. (Note: buying fabric does not fit into this equation!) And I guess if money was no object every day would be an impulse purchase day.

I wish I could have the same relationship with food, which I adore but I wish I could master the art of 'walk away' with. I don't know why it's an issue, I don't mind feeling hungry. And invariably it tips the scales in a direction which makes me feel happier than if I'd eaten in the first place. Eating is a stimulating gap filler. I'd say I eat when I'm bored but I also do it the moment I stop to take a breather in between projects when I'm not actually bored. The taste of food is a kick that I almost can't live without. (If a cup of tea or a glass of water could be made to taste like bread and jam, homemade bread or peanut butter, I'd be fine.) I guess most of my problem is that I work at home a lot of the time, which means the kitchen is always in the next room. When I'm out, I never buy food, I don't snack or give in to temptation because there is a much nicer home cooked version of it at home and buying out involves spending money which I know I don't have. I guess if I never had food in the house which was 'pick up and eat' I wouldn't do it. That's hard when you live with someone.

If I was out all the time, I wouldn't eat as much. I should use the workshops at Uni a bit more, but I like being at home. I like working at my table, ample supplies of free tea, Radio 4 in the background, an incense stick burning and watching my chickens doing their bit in the back garden.

I currently employ several strategies to get my eating into shape now that spring has arrived and I have no more excuses:

I have given up bread - it's been about 3 weeks now and strangely I haven't been tempted. You have to bear in mind that I bake my own bread. I still have to bake for HRH and baking and not being tempted to eat is a real moment of triumph for me.

Don't take lunch when at Uni all day. I'll eat breakfast before I leave at 8.40 and I'll be home by 4.30 at the latest so I won't starve. It helps me get used to the feeling of being a bit hungry and that nothing awful is going to happen.

Have EITHER breakfast or lunch when at home all day - not both and only one thing. And no snacking.

I treated myself to some shapewear (investment purchases of course) to remind me how much more sexy it is to have a thinner body and that it is worth the effort. I bought a fabulous vintage girdle for my vintage days, complete with attached suspenders which draw me down to a rather attractive 27 waist, and a pair of very high waisted long leg control pants which basically slim off everything from underbust to knee and feel great because they don't cut you up in the middle. I am naturally a 36 - 28 - 36 at the moment but there are bits of my hips that are highly unattractive and everything needs toning up after the winter fallout. In the summer when I'm feeling good, my waist is 27 and my hips about 35. My tits will always be there, sorry about that.

That being said, I long to leave Uni now and start getting out a bit more, earning enough to pop out for coffee and a natter with girl friends, meeting with clients. I must ensure I get an office, or somewhere else to work. If I leave Uni and work at home full time, it could be lethal and I will become a veritable hermit. I shall have to employ a strict regime of going out.

This summer will be the death of me because languishing in the garden is good. Last summer, having survived my first year and not really needing the money, I enjoyed 4 months of doing exactly what I wanted.  And I did pretty much nothing. This summer I can't do that, our expected outlay for materials for year 3 is about £1000 and I can't afford to spend what is left sitting on my backside all summer. I have already lined up 4 part time jobs. I am a casual cleaner, auction house assistant, I have the odd clothing commission and a few photoshoots to style up. I've also got open days at the Uni to assist with. I only have to rustle up £400 a month to cover the basics and I've already started to ensure I am ahead of myself with the bills. Anything else on top of this minimum is a bonus. My projected figures are looking good with spending money.

Escapism and can money really bring you happiness....

I was chatting to a friend the other day who admits to spending a lot of her time dreaming about her 'other life', the one where everything is just so. She works in an office, a dull office. When you need money, a job is a job, and office work is still quite lucrative. At least it pays bills. But I don't envy her, not really. I used to work in an office, many offices, all over the place. I was a temp to perm and I used to dream a lot to relieve the mind numbing boringness of number crunching and endless meeting bookings. I lost myself in things like myspace (this was in the days before Facebook - yes there was a time) and message boards and talk to people I had never met and probably never would. And I suddenly realised that I haven't dreamt like that in a long time.

I suppose that now I am not in an office, now I am doing what I want and I work predominantly from home, to my own rules and in a much better environment that I don't need to dream. But is dreaming just aspirations, hopes and fears? We all need those surely. Even if the dreams aren't obtainable surely they are therapy. Or are we just torturing ourselves?

I dream of things being different that's for sure. Oh, if money was no object nothing would be same I know that much. Well that is one pipedream I can never subscribe to. I don't believe that you win money. I've never been lucky like that. I don't play the lottery. I think that money has to be earned, nurtured, invested and planned for. I am a business woman at heart I feel, I was never taught it, it's just in the blood.

But oh to have money - that it was no object and that jackpot win was mine (even if that's not possible because I don't subscribe to the notion of buying the ticket and lining some fat directors pocket). But think of the house - the dinners - the ultimate escape - the holidays.

Bliss is bliss.

Money does bring happiness, anyone who says otherwise hasn't had it, hasn't lived the dream or has abused it and not survived to tell the tale unbroken. At least, it would make me esctatic. It would clear up a lot of my problems and damn it I would be happy. I used to have money and I was happy. I had holidays to beautiful places, I didn't have to worry if I could afford to eat properly that month, I went to a gym and got fit not fat - which ultimately made me happy. And I invested which made me feel safe.

I've sacrificed all that for the long term goal - ambition. I split from my husband in 2008. My divorce settlement which wasn't huge since there was nothing to have, was just enough to reinvest in my education (something I'd never had) and still leave me a bit to set up a business when I leave in 2012 and cover expenses for a while should it take its time in coming. This puts me into a position of control, which is how I like to be. This also makes me happy. It means I am not financially dependant on you know who, who makes me feel insecure, unhappy about myself and used.

Right now it means I can afford my Uni education, top up student finance which doesn't even cover my bills and live in a house not a student house share. I've done that, never again. I need my space to live and to work. And a garden I can use and not be trashed by pissheads. I hate students generally speaking. All their attitudes are arse about face, I have to get away from that. Oh the young....

Anyway, so here I am...end of....

You don't have to be mad to work here but.....

I recently read somewhere that if you want to be truly exceptional be a touch insane. You need a little bit of insanity to do great things.

More than anything this fits the creatively blessed amongst us. The most legendary comedians, actors and artists fought their demons - depression, drink, drugs (or all three). In fashion, some of the most exceptional fashionistas have been a bit unhinged. Some have survived to tell the tale but others....ouch! Just look at Isabella Blow and Alex McQueen?

I aspire to McQueen's standards, this is what I want to do. But do I want to go a little bit mad, or am I already there? I am doubtful that I have it in me creatively to be as good as him. Certainly I have fought off a few demons in my time but who hasn't? I fear ending up like Isabella, talented, amazing, willing to stand out in a crowd, but totally off her trolley and ready to fall off the cliff edge at a moment's failure. Inevitably of course, it all ended horribly. I think I am more afraid of losing control of reality than I am of ultimate failure. But what if I discovered tomorrow that this was as good as it was ever going to get, that I would never be any more successful than where I am today? When you've geared your while life around a single aspiration (never put all your eggs in one basket - tsk tsk), what is there left when you can't cut it with the best? What would I do? Would I turn to something else, or could I face going on knowing that ultimately I was never going to succeed?

I am hoping it never comes to that, but my journey towards my goal has been a pathetically painfully wasteful dawdle, for which I constantly berate myself - in itself a fruitless task since there is nothing I can do about the past. And I fear I might reach the end of my life before I truly discover who I am or ultimately what I am capable of. I have another 14 months to make that discovery before I (hopefully) graduate and then the old adage 'the world is at your feet' suddenly becomes a reality. The thought of a clean slate, connected and professionally skilled is a liberating but daunting thought. If the whole world was your oyster where would you choose to settle your pearl?

I am a firm believer in fate - what will be, will be. The main events in your life have already been mapped out, and it's just the journey you take to reach those milestones. I certainly feel like I've taken the journey. All the elements are in place, the lessons have been learned, responsibility taken, the blinkers are on. I am almost a fledgling. It's almost time to step off the edge of the nest and see if my wings will carry me up....

Me - urrgghhh!

I have to say that I genuinely hate the person I have become. I hate that I have spent so much of my life wasting precious hours on people who really don't careabout me and are self serving (I'm still doing that unfortunately but that's another story). I hate that I am finally sorting out my education and career aims well past my working prime and I hate that because of said people above mentioned, I have finally become the cynical and unfeeling old bastard I knew I would have to be to survive one of my goddamn relationships. It has sucked me dry - I have no drive or enthusiasm or zest for anything.

Oh and I hate the fact I have let my family down - shall never be married (been that and divorced) and shall never have children because I only have a few years left to try that and have no stable relationship or financial security whatsoever.

One person has finally solidified all those things for me at the moment (as mentioned above). It's the person who should be there with me, spurning me on, enthusing me, the person I should be getting dressed up for and shagging like a mental thing because he's so much younger than I am and has his whole life ahead of him. Yes it's my boyfriend, but I am in no doubt that he is only with me for the split rent and bill payments, the roof over his head and that it means he does not have to commit to any household chores and has proper home cooked food on the table every day. I used to worry about this, the lack of interest, the complete and utter lack of any sex whatsoever, the fact that he's always on the look out for another to replace me (currently his work colleague who he already professed his love for though I am not sure she is as interested as he).

Unfortunately, perhaps, it's been so long since this abuse began (I forget how long now) that I've come to tolerate it for what I can get from it (split rent and bill payments, a roof over my head). The other things are the ammo that will keep him here just long enough for me to become independant again and then I can finally call it quits. After all, he won't go until he can replace me in all these things and he's not going to find it with someone his own age. Financially (and that is the only reason) we are both tied to each other. I am at University. I have an income of £416 per month thanks to Student Finance and I have outgoings of £416 per month so I am living literally hand to mouth (only 14 months to go :/ ) and when you've been earning upwards of £24,000 that's a hell of a sacrifice. I must love what I do. Perhaps I do have a passion then?